I've said and done a lot of things in the past few months that are regrettable, but I chose not to look back at things that way. I would rather look forward, with hope. That sounds like the fakest thing I've ever written, but it's actually true.

This is the first time in a long time when I have actually felt like myself. It's been a long time in coming, but I feel like I'm just figuring out who I am. That all sounds corny as hell. Oh well. I've tried to mend what I could with people I thought I might have hurt, but not all of them seem to have responded. I guess it's time to cut my losses.

There are so many things that need to be said, but I just can't seem to find the words...

To do list (revised):

• Get my hair cut ( I don't mind my hair now, but I really want to cut it, I'm just afraid to).
• Find happier music.
• Buy more records.
• Sew more sock creatures.
• Save more money (I've saved a lot of money so far, but I want to save more to make sure that I'm not just scraping by when I move).
• Drink less.
• Change my expectations.

I've put a little dent in my list since the last time I made it and I only added two things. One I should be able to fix pretty easily (I have no desire to drink again for a while) but the other will take some time. I've realized that I've changed a lot in the past  year or two... and not all for the best. I wanted to care less, and I got it. Only, now I'm not sure I care at all. I think I took that a little too far.

But it's not beyond repair.

I have a point to make.

I'm a firm believer in the thought that "What they don't know won't hurt them".
"They" being the rest of the world. If it never leaves the confines of your mind, and there was no one there to witness it, or anyone willing to talk about it, then it never happened. And if no one knows enough to ask, then you never have to lie.  

It would be a wonderful thing to know that you can start with the truth and slowly add love, but sometimes you have to work the other way around. I realize that now.

I concentrated so hard at work, I didn't allow myself the time to think about anything else. I kept thinking that if I scrubbed harder, if I could just expose the brushed metal underneth the calcium build up around the faucet of the dishroom sink then somehow I could clean myself as well. I was disappointed to find that it doesn't work that way.

Romantico-Sexual Relationships

I just recently finished reading Indecision by Benjamin Kunkel.

"I had just been explaining that most of what I did with a [boyfriend] was to talk, and how when I talked to such a [boyfriend] there was something unsatisfying about being the one who wound up saying the things I invariably  said. I never objected in the same way to what I said to friends: friendship seemed like an ideal forum for provisional conclusions and marginal comments, and I assumed that the high error quotient of most of these got forgiven by the fact that I hadn't tied my friend's life to mine in a sort of three-legged race, and wasn't therefore obliging him to collude with my errors or to reject them, either of which would have been painful. But when in an actual romatico-sexual relationship I always wanted to be as faithful and unique to the truth as to the young [man] in question, meaning that when talking to a [boyfriend] my loyalty was really to the reservoir of truth left behind uncontaminated by my words, rather than to anything I said... in order to actively [girlfriend] someone I wanted to add love to the truth (truth which I already loved, if unrequitedly) rather than start with love and hope for eventual addition of truth."